Sex ed continues

I’ve had parents ask me when I start sex ed. Uhhh… birth? Toddlerhood? When does sex ed not happen?

My 15 month old announced one day in a public bathroom “Mama, clean my vulva” because her poopy diaper was just whoa. Other people in line in the bathroom said, “What word did that baby just say?!” Uhhh… the correct anatomical name for what I am touching right now?

Today I needed to talk to my kids about boundaries around sex games. Specifically in this instance, having dolls act out sex games.

First rule: you have to ask every kid involved if they are comfortable with the game and if they are not saying “HECK YEAH!” then you don’t play the game. Period. If they say “I don’t know…” then you say, “Ok then we will play something else. Let me know if you ever change your mind.”

My kids are already well versed on the idea that you don’t touch another kid without permission. It’s not kid to kid sex games we are talking about at this point.

It’s ok to want to act out sex games. It’s normal. (I have development books that assure me this is completely age appropriate.) But in my house the first and most important lesson of any and all references to sex is… consent. Consent. Consent.

This morning’s conversation included little gems like, “Even if you say yes to playing the game at first because it sounds fun, if you change your mind and you aren’t having fun it is ok to say stop at any point because that is how sex must work. It only happens when everyone is ok with it. You can say no to any part of sex you want to say no to at any point. No matter what you previously agreed to. You always have the right to change your mind.”

I know that there are people who believe I shouldn’t be so frank with my children. They are only 7 and 9! Oh my goodness!

If you knew what I know about what can happen to 7 and 9 year old children… you would understand my insistence on my children having the words to navigate any situation that might come up.

I talk a lot about how things change at puberty. Before puberty… sex games with dolls are fine. Masturbation is AWESOME. Your body is always yours and you are allowed to enjoy it at any age. Don’t push other people about sex. If other people ask you about sex the healthiest answer is, “I am too young/I am not ready.” Because before puberty your body is literally not designed to engage in sex.

Sex is wonderful. Sex is fun. Sex is pleasurable. For adults who are consenting and doing things they enjoy. Sex can be awful. Sex can be traumatizing and painful.

Consent and joy are what make the difference and when you are a child you are literally unable to properly consent. So… don’t have sex.

I am very nervous about how puberty will go. I’m not sure I’m going to be the kind of “cool parent” who permits sex in the house. But I’m also the kind of parent who is going to feel very uncomfortable about de facto forcing my kids to have sex in risky/public places if they don’t have a private/appropriate place to go.

Parenting isn’t getting easier.

I have no idea what the right answer will be. Hopefully we will figure it out and I won’t damage my kids too much.

It’s an adventure!

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