GameStop Teaches World How to Play 4D Chess

GameStop (GME) made history with a play nobody saw coming.

“Did you know they just let me make new shares out of thin air? As many as I want?” said the GameStop CEO, leaning into the microphone like a football coach after winning the Superbowl. “So I started wondering… if the infinity squeeze gets the share price up to infinity, and I issue infinity new shares at the exact same time, what would happen?

We were definitely super fucked. I mean who seriously thought being a retail game store in the middle of a global pandemic with a spotty supply chain of expensive toys is a good business model? If there was ever a time for a Hail Mary, this was it. I was also really curious to find out what is infinity times infinity?”

As it turns out infinity squared is worth roughly 1.2 trillion dollars. The company rocketed to become the 5th most valuable on the New York Stock Exchange in a matter of minutes.

“I had to think real quick- what in the world do I do with all this cash I just raised? I had spent the last few days compulsively doom scrolling Twitter and it led to my epiphany: the stock market is just a big fucking game. I’m in the business of games, so I decided to pivot GameStop into a brokerage firm.

Do you know how many millionaire fan bois we have now with a terrible sense of risk aversion? That sounds like a much better customer base than a bunch of 8 year olds with super strict millennial parents who still haven’t bounced back from the financial crisis of 2008.”

After this announcement, the stock price of GameStop stabilized at its new stratospheric level. With their record-setting cash enema, GameStop was able to attract some of the best engineers and business minds in the country. They quickly launched their first product: Stonk Market, a mobile application for trading stocks, derivatives, currencies, and used copies of Halo 4. The company was able to quickly capture over 80% of the retail trading market as users fled the platforms that had conspired against them during the squeeze.

“Our revenues were much higher than expected.” Said u/deepfuckingvalue, the company’s newly appointed CFO, in their first quarterly earnings call. “We were honestly trying to lose money this quarter just to see if we could, but I guess that we can’t. Our plan for next quarter is to YOLO”.

At the time of this writing, the market price for a copy of Halo 4 is $11,457.32. Fractional shares are available on Stonk Market.

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