How My Pandemic Treadmill Purchase Transformed Me Into A Beloved Movie Critic

I Watched 100 Movies In 30 Minute Intervals

I am a man of extreme routine. I have worked for the same company for over thirty-seven years. I have been married to my lovely wife for thirty-three years. I have belonged to the same gym for over thirty years. Every morning for breakfast, I enjoy a toasted sesame seed bagel with cream cheese and a glass of orange juice while I read the sports section of my home delivered Washington Post. Every December, I travel to Las Vegas with my two brothers for a bonding weekend. During the pandemic I was forced into creating a new routine and became a beloved movie critic by watching one hundred movies in thirty-minute increments while jogging on a treadmill.

My family has been fortunate to remain healthy during the pandemic. Unfortunately, my routines have been shattered. My office closed and I started working from home. My trip to Las Vegas was cancelled. My grocery purchases were left to the whims of Instacart shoppers who didn’t understand the concept of “no substitutions” when buying sesame bagels.

When I heard that my gym closed, I was stressed as to how I would continue my work out routine. At first, in early April, I decided that I would run three miles outside each morning. The problem was that my workout routine called for a 5:30 AM start time, but it didn’t start getting light until 6:30 AM. To avoid tripping on unseen sidewalk cracks while running in the dark, I decided to run in the street. What could go wrong? After the first couple of mornings, I smartly added a safety precaution. I tucked my driver’s license into my sock so that if I tripped and injured myself, the person who found me, assuming they were willing to break Covid protocols, could simply roll down my sock to ID me and then safely deliver me back home.

The question of my morning run each day was whether I would see more people, cars or deer. For the most part, the deer were in the majority, but I did manage to see a friendly fox, a cat that I recognized from a “lost cat” flyer and a rather large man in a corner house who liked to get dressed in the morning with the shades wide open.

Concerned for my safety as well as the possibility of being arrested as a “Peeping Tom,” in late August my wife convinced me to make a strategic investment. We welcomed our treadmill with a prime spot against a wall in my wife’s basement sewing salon. I immediately called my cable provider and for the thirty-fourth year in a row, told them I wanted to cancel my service. After quickly being transferred to customer retention where I signed up for a promotional discount package with all the movie channels, I was ready to proceed with my new workout routine.

My new treadmill movie watching rules were simple. All movies were required to be commercial free. My movies were selected without research and only with the short description in the on-screen cable guide. Once a movie started, it had to be viewed through to completion. Each movie was rated on a scale of zero to four treadmills based solely on my enjoyment.

I shared my ratings in quarterly E-mails to a select group of family members. I knew my treadmill ratings had gone viral when I received confirmation that a family member had actually opened one of my E-mails. I knew I had become an inspiration to America’s youth when after my third E-mail, my daughter texted back, “You inspired me to watch TV on the treadmill, except I watched The Real Housewives of New Jersey.”

Spoiler alert! The two movies with the most misleading titles were Celeste and Jesse Forever (2.5 treadmills) as they got divorced and Unstoppable (2.5) because Denzell stops the runaway train. Titles that perfectly captured the storyline were Hot Tub Time Machine (2.5), Trial of the Chicago 7 (3.5), Family Man (2.5), Lady in the Water (2.5), Fatherhood (2.0), and Underwater (1.0).

Movies where Amanda Seyfried was successful in staying clothed were The Art of Racing in the Rain (2.5) and First Reformed (2.0) while she was not as successful in Chloe (2.5) and Lovelace (3.0).

Treadmill movies with numbers in their titles included 12 Monkeys (3.0), 50/50 (3.0), She’s the One (2.5), One Hour Photo (2.5), One Night in Miami (2.5), The Mirror Has Two Faces (2.5), The Lucky One (2.0), 10 Years (1.5), Two Hearts (1.5) and One Day (1.0).

Ben Stiller and Daniel Craig have combined for over $8 billion of box office receipts yet the next treadmill they earn will be their first as Greenberg (0) and Layer Cake (0) had me begging for a lightning strike that would zap power from my treadmill and television.

When I announced to my family that I was embarking on a special treadmill trilogy week, their suggestions included Star Wars, The Godfather and Back to the Future. I decided to think independently and was rewarded with a solid three treadmill experience enjoying the Kissing Booth series. I quietly smiled when Elle followed her dreams to study game design at USC. I had matured greatly since my early treadmill watching days when I cried freely when Lara Jean in To All the Boys: Always and Forever (3.0) followed her dreams to study English Literature at NYU.

Controversy struck when my brother called my opinions “absurd” and “embarrassing” when he questioned how I could rate Kissing Booth (3.0) ahead of Full Metal Jacket (2.0). When I tried to engage him in a thoughtful discussion of the two cinematic classics, he made the shocking revelation that he had not seen The Kissing Booth. At that moment I felt the enormity of my responsibility. Everyone wanted to be a treadmill movie critic, but I alone could deliver.

The on-screen cable guide description of The Shack (1.0) was intriguing, “Three enigmatic strangers take a man on a life-changing journey after he suffers a family tragedy.” When I saw the movie starred Academy Award winning actress, Octavia Spencer, I jumped on the treadmill and hit “play.” The surprise was that the three strangers turned out to be God (Octavia Spencer), Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Since I did not study Jesus as part of my Bar Mitzvah training, the movie proved educational as I learned that by holding Jesus’ hand, that anybody (i.e., Mack Phillips in the movie) can walk on water.

I imagined a non-Jewish pandemic treadmill man on the same journey as me selecting Holy Rollers (2.0), a movie based on a true story where “a Jewish youth becomes a drug mule for his best friend’s older brother.” My non-Jewish exercise friend would learn how it is common for Orthodox Jews to work in fabric stores and smuggle ecstasy pills into other countries.

It became clear why Octavia Spencer is such a respected actress after watching her star turn in Thunder Force (2.5), a movie about two childhood friends reuniting as superheroes. Her incredible range from playing God in The Shack to a spandex suited nerd scientist superhero in Thunder Force was truly awe inspiring.

I thought I was generous in awarding director Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master one treadmill and was puzzled when some post movie research showed others calling it a masterpiece. I was offended when I saw that Peter Travers in his Rolling Stone review commented that Anderson’s movies “infuriate lazy viewers.” Wow! I was infuriated by The Master because it was a stinky mess. Yet Peter Travers who makes a career of sitting on his behind watching movies and guzzling popcorn all day had the nerve to call a man jogging on a treadmill every morning lazy.

For the record, Punch Drunk Love, a zero-treadmill infuriating film starring Adam Sandler, was also directed by Paul Thomas Anderson.

Adam Sandler’s frequent co-star, Drew Barrymore, joined the zero-treadmill brigade with her Netflix release The Stand In. Since Drew played both lead roles, her double painful to watch efforts earned a rare “double zero” treadmill rating.

My favorite 3.5 treadmill rated movie was Arrival because of the “twist” ending that didn’t fully sink in until I was well into my post treadmill shower. Other 3.5 rated films included Bombshell, Rounders, Den of Thieves, Dark Waters, Hello My Name is Doris, Limitless and The Wonder Boys.

A sampling of the “The” movies includes The Fighting Temptations (3.0), The High Note (3.0), The Station Agent (2.5), The Photograph (2.5), The Gift (2.5), The White Tiger (2.5), The Last Kiss (1.5), The Gentlemen (1.5) and The Truth (0).

The most fascinating movie was The Lobster (3.0) which depicted a society where single people were given forty-five days to find a mate and if they failed were turned into their favorite animal. After growing accustomed to having all my pandemic routines within my house, I decided I would be best as a cicada. With a seventeen year stretch underground, I could expand my reviews to include television and perhaps the opera.

Early in 2020, while Tom Hanks and Kevin Hart both tested positive for the coronavirus, Nicolas Cage traveled to Japan where he first met the woman who would one year later become his fifth wife. Now their names will be forever intertwined as the lead actors in the only three movies to achieve the exalted four treadmill rating. Please join me in congratulating these three thespians as well as their respective movies, The Terminal, The Upside and Matchstick Men.

I have the deepest respect to those who might challenge my ratings and invite them to get back to me after they have traveled five hundred miles on their treadmills. I am already excited about the next hundred movies as I have tweaked the rules to allow for commercials so that the Hallmark channel is now in play.

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