He Had Two Broken Feet

Online dating is like the Amazon for things you don’t want; so much bad right at your fingertips, it should be illegal, really. Nearly a decade of it and my stories are countless; from the boyfriend who “moved to England” (please note the air quotes), to the guy who professed love to only break-up with me the next day since he seemed to have forgotten about having a girlfriend.

Perhaps the best and worst first date I have had involved a dude with two broken feet and a flip phone. This dude insisted on picking me up and stupidly I agreed because well, somehow I hadn’t gotten dead yet, and if anything, maybe I’d get a story out of it. Well, a story I did get. My phone dinged alerting me to his arrival. I headed downstairs and into his old car. Pleasantries were said but nothing worthy of being mentioned occurred until we got out of the car; it was then that I noticed that this dude was rocking two big boots on his feet. Not like cute or stylish boots, but like, there was a serious injury that occurred here type of thing. I brought it to his attention and he simply replied that his feet had been broken, yes, both of his feet, no, he did not want to discuss how this happened. I held the door open for him to the Indian restaurant where we would be dining, and he hobbled inside.

Once seated, we started discussing our dating lives. He wanted my opinion on his behavior, (was he the worst?!) on a recent date of his. Basically, he had gone on a date the previous Friday, and then a date with a different girl the following night. During the Saturday date, he excused himself to go to the bathroom. Whilst in the John, he texted Friday night girl to inform her that he was on a date with a different girl but preferred the date that they had experienced together. He emerged from the bathroom to find a very displeased lady; he had texted the wrong girl! Can you believe it?! He retold the story at least five more times, every time asking if he really was the worst?

The check came and dude looked stressed out. He started going off on a rant about not having a lot of money these days. I offered to split though was totally rolling my eyes on the inside. It was like twenty-three dollars, nothing too crazy. I had a flashback to a breakfast date the previous year where the guy informed the waitress, not once, not twice, but THREE times that we would be splitting the check. I braced myself for a repeat scenario yet, but I was thrown a curveball.

The following is a synopsis of the dialogue that went down:

“No, no I can’t have you split the bill. I like you so if we split the bill you’ll never want to see me again. I know how this works. I just am so broke. Ugh, why does everything have to cost money? Okay, okay. Ugh.”

“I can split, seriously. You seem really stressed out.”

“No, no, it’s fine. It’s fine. Do you mind if we make a quick stop at my buddy’s though on the way back to dropping you off? He lives on the way. I just need to give him something.”

Curiosity got the best of me as I agreed to go with him, even though, technically, my apartment was down the street and unless his friend lived on the next block, there is no way he lived on the way back to my place.

We drove for a few minutes, not too far, but definitely not exactly on my way home. The dude then proceeded to take out his flip phone. Yes, you read that correctly: his flip phone. Who has as flip phone in 2017????!!!! He then proceeded to punch numbers into his phone; his friend was not saved as a contact. I was puzzled to say the least. I asked why he had a flip phone and he shrugged. I then asked why he didn’t save contacts to his phone. Oh, I don’t save anyone, except you, I have you in here. It’s okay though, I usually get the numbers right.

Let’s take a minute to pause to recap my date so far. He had two broken feet. He refused to divulge how the feet had gotten into their current condition. He spent the majority of the date discussing his two prior dates the previous weekend. He doesn’t save contacts to his flip phone. Oh, and now he is reaching under his seat for something in a brown bag.

He hobbled out of the car as a frat looking bro of a dude opened the door. They disappeared into the apartment hallway for a couple of minutes. My date returned to the car flushed with relief. He then informed me that he was “so glad” to have stopped by his buddy’s because now he has enough money to cover the date, plus a decent amount more! I looked over at him and asked him if he dead seriously had just brought me on a drug run. He responded how he is studying to be a nurse at community school so he knows which drugs are safe and such and not to worry. Oh, and when can he see me again?!

He dropped me off at my apartment. I looked at my cat and wondered how this was my life. While, others have met the loves of their lives online, I am the sort to go on casual drug runs, on a Sunday.

I was met with different reactions as I recounted the date to my friends and my mom. My friends were like, “um so he totally had a flip phone because it was his burner phone. You’re not going out with him again. You can hardly handle smoking weed.” In my defense, regarding the reefer, I never really got the inhaling and exhaling down.

My mom’s reaction surprised me however as she took a long pause and then said, “Well, was he nice at least? Because if he was, maybe you should give him another shot.”

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